Museum tips

For those of you who don't get to spend your days in a museum, here are some helpful tips courtesy of the Onion.

*In large museums like the Louvre, it is virtually impossible to see everything in one day. This is why jogging is both acceptable and encouraged.

*If you don't experience a painting with all five senses, you aren't truly experiencing it.

*Beware: Some museums are more reputable than others. The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City? Pretty reputable. The Flagstaff Groundhog & Jackalope Hall of Fame? Less so.

*Why enter the museum when the only stuff you can afford is in the gift shop?

*When on a guided tour of a history museum, at every civilization, ask whether the men of that era ever had an overpowering urge to dress as a woman and be caressed by a big, strong man.

*Though many are painfully dull, some museums gots cars in 'em.

*Remember: "Suggested donation" means waltz in free, even if you are loaded.

* Be sure to dress appropriately for your museum visit, wearing knee-high boots, sturdy rubber gloves, and a heavy apron. Did I say museum? I meant salmon cannery.

*When looking at the exhibit on genetically modified super-spiders, try not to get too distracted by Kirsten Dunst.

*This month, the National Mustard Museum in Mt. Horeb, WI, is unveiling a new exhibit honoring those slain while serving the mustard industry. It is a moving tribute to America's mustard dead and is highly recommended.

*If short on money, get a friend to enter a museum and have him or her describe everything to you via walkie-talkie.