I don't like change.

Do you ever just feel like you are doing a bad job at life?  

Recently I've just felt tired and lonely.  Work takes away my patience and "pep" and when I walk in the door at night I'm just left with the tired, worn down, and often times snippy me. 

It doesn't help that I've spent no more than a collective 5 hours with my husband for over a month and a half.

I have a friend who's husband lives out of state.  He is finishing up school and she moved down here for a job at the museum.  We were talking over coffee the other day about which is worse:  Not seeing your husband because you live a thousand miles away---  Or not seeing your husband but still living together under the same roof?    

Bobby's recent work projects have taken a toll on his schedule.  Now instead of two nights off a week and our 30 minutes together when I get home from work, it is 0 days off and he is already gone when I get home.  I usually won't see him until I roll over in the morning to turn my alarm clock off.  Hit repeat for the last 1 1/2 months and this has been our life.  

I long for balance and I long for stability.  I long for the simple act of eating dinner with him. I have never done well with change and I usually go into super grumpy mode and become embarrassingly stubborn.  

Flashback to my early years to when my parents took out our swing set so they could landscape the backyard (which by the way turned out beautiful).  I pouted for weeks, cried, and snuck tiny swing set trinkets i.e. screws and splintered wood, and hid them in my sock drawer so I would always have a piece of them.  Obviously its quite a stretch to see why I am in the museum field...hehe

Anyways, I digress.  To say that I have matured greatly from my 11 year old self would be a lie.  Why am I not able to grow from this and to be a better person when situations like this happen?  Why do I always think things will stay the same forever and never get better? 

The thing is though, I feel like we are having to figure out this recent change in our life by ourselves and not together.  Because we don't see each other it becomes difficult to have those normal conversations over the phone or at 3 am (don't do it! its never a good idea).  Throughout the day a million things run through my head that I make a mental note to tell him.  I panic, not feeling the luxury of having hours to tell him these things, so in our 10 minute conversations throughout the day he gets word vomited all over by me.  

Did you go to the bank? Did you remember to take the trash out? The car is making a weird noise, can we take it in next week? We have to send the rent tomorrow and pay the electric bill.  Aurelia lost 1/2 of a pound!  I can't find my brown slip on shoes, have you seen them?  I went out to lunch today and got a salad, but the cheese tasted weird.  Who sings that song that we heard on the radio the other day when we were driving to the store? When will you be home tonight?  Do you get a day off this week?  My sister is starting to have contractions!  Our niece was asking for you the other night on Skype.  blah blah blah blah

Lets just say boys don't like this and it makes them grumpy too.

Anyways, I don't even know what I'm really trying to say.  Life is a work in progress and so is marriage.  I know we'll figure it out, but for now its just a little bit harder.  And hopefully my 29 year old self will grow from these times and use them as a learning tool.  And hopefully I won't treat my husband like the old swing set in the backyard and start hiding his things in my sock drawer... cause that would be super creepy.

:)