And Where She Stood, She Stood Tall

Do you ever have those moments where your brain is so full its hard to wade through everything?  Like  maybe I need to just slice open my head, do a little bit of reorganization, some recycling, and maybe empty the rest into the waste basket and then stitch it back together.  

One of the reasons why I started this blog was so that my family and friends back in Colorado could keep in touch.  The second reason is so I could spill my innards out.  But sometimes my brain is so full I don't even know where to start typing...  

So much has been going on at work and just with myself internally that its hard sometimes to keep it all straight and to truly know how I am feeling or why I am feeling what I'm feeling.  I've kind of been on an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks and I just need someone to come and yank me off the wild ride and tell me to sit still and breathe.  

Its hardest when I come home from work.  I work really really hard to pull it together for everyone else.  

Keep smiling, keep encouraging, keep listening, keep doing. Repeat.

I sometimes feel that I give the best part of myself to the rest of the world and then those that matter most to me get the left over, ugly me.  Its something I'm trying to work on.  I mean really trying because its just one of those thoughts in my brain that is rumbling and rattling around and is most likely the cause of the stress that is now causing the giant pimples all over my face.

I have anxiety.  I have for forever.  My husband would probably say that I'm always anxious but I think I'm learning to control it {well except when I'm driving on the highway from hell --a.k.a. I-95}.  But sometimes it still gets the best of me and the past few weeks it has taken a strong hold.  The worry and "what ifs" creep in and become this overbearing and dark cloud.  They get caught in the folds and wrinkles of my brain.  Even when I've filled up on inspirational and beautifully designed Pinterest quotes those pesky anxious thoughts make an appearance.  A slow and painful growing period, yet there are days that are I can honestly look at myself and say, "you got this under control".

Its interesting to see myself now compared to myself 4 years ago.  My how I've changed-- mostly because of my environment-- but also because I have become more honest with myself, more confident in myself, and most importantly more courageous.  I don't take those changes lightly and I don't throw them up to some magical journey I've been on where I've been trying to "find myself".  Its just me growing up.  Its just me allowing myself to become more transparent to the world.  

Maybe all of this recent foggy and muddled brain activity are some good ol' growing pains.  Just when I feel like I have myself all figured out, I realize I don't know anything and I still have an incredible amount to learn.  The past few weeks I have faced some unexpected detours and challenges.    It at times has caused my anxiety to sky rocket.  Its caused me to unleash my stress on innocent bystanders.  And even though my brain is acting like a hoarder {holding onto countless emotions, thoughts, repeating conversations I've had, repeating conversations I wish I'd had}, I realize that the me 4 years ago would not have been able to handle this as well as the me today. 

So while sometimes I feel like I'm flopping around like a fish out of water and having an abnormal amount of brain spasms, I am learning and growing for the greater good of myself. Its not always easy to see the growth in ourselves until we are faced with unexpected situations.  And what I'm learning through it all is that I'm doing just fine.